APPARENTLY, "DIVERSITY" HAS ITS LIMITS

Kathleen Whitney Barr is a stay-at-home mother of five in Newark, Delaware. Her article "An 'Educated Woman' Who Stays Home With Her Children" appeared in our May 1998 issue.

A pregnant lady is a conversation starter. That unmistakable bulge of new life under the maternity smock has impelled utter strangers and casual acquaintances into intimate chats with me and other women I know. We've found that these unsolicited conversations often turn into amazing sermonettes, confrontations, or even inquisitions. It starts after the questioner finds out that this is not the "blessed" first child and not the "acceptable" second child. It's not even the "you-must-be-crazy" third. When your interlocutors learn that this is the "irresponsible" fourth child - or fifth or sixth - they feel that license is granted them to say whatever pops into their heads.

"You do know what causes this, don't you?" is very popular. One cousin of mine has asked me this for each of my last three pregnancies, seeming each time to delight afresh in his own comic genius. (If he asks me next time, I may just have to have my husband explain it to him.) Complete strangers can be even bolder. In line at a smorgasbord, the man next to me began recommending different sleeping positions and bedroom habits that might prevent this from happening again. I would have walked away but we had just reached the food table and I was really hungry (eating for two, you know). I did check to see if anything about my attire was provocative or suggested that I would welcome such a discussion with him. But I was buttoned and bowed up to my neck in a tent-like maternity dress that came down over my ninth-month abdomen to my knees, and my wedding ring was firmly in place. Moments later some acquaintances of my husband's from a fraternal organization paused near me to remark that they would have to keep my husband busier so he wouldn't have time to produce such results.

Is it something about smorgasbords? A pregnant friend told me she got similar treatment at the upscale buffet of her husband's new law firm. One partner even offered to set her husband up with his urologist, saying, "It's a simple operation, really." But from the stories we wives tell one another, it's clear that impertinence is not limited by place, time, or gender. At a soccer game, when a button popped off the maternity pants of a four-time mother, a fellow soccer-mom remarked, "That's what happens when you have too many children." Another woman on announcing her sixth pregnancy to a dear friend was told solemnly, "I don't know what to say. Should it be congratulations or condolences?"

Once the hostess of a college faculty party thought it would be fun to introduce to the directress of the local Planned Parenthood office a lady expecting her ninth child. She did so, loudly noting the number, in the crowded living room. People paused, waiting for the sparks to fly. Both women were uncomfortable. The Planned Parenthood directress started off with, "I believe a woman should have as many children as she wants - as long as they're planned." The mother replied, "I believe that all children are planned - by God." The two women nodded to each other and turned away. The pregnant lady - a friend of mine and now the mother of ten - said this was her best comeback line during the many confrontations she had had through her pregnancies. She was sure that the Holy Spirit had supplied her with the answer. (I'm sure He won't mind if I use it, too, next time I'm expecting.)

By far the most common remark is, "So, is this the last one?" It seems that they want you to cry uncle, to reassure them that this really was a mistake because no one would want to have any more of these terrible burdens we call children than is necessary. How many are necessary? One boy and one girl, of course. if you make a mistake and get boy-boy or girl-girl, you are allowed to try once more to get it right. But that's all.

Sometimes the most stinging remarks come from an unexpected quarter - from the mother-to-be's own mother, aunts, and sisters. Some pregnant women have learned to dread telling them. One gal told me she doesn't send out announcements and doesn't tell relatives who aren't going to be seeing her. She just includes a picture of all of her children in her Christmas cards and waits for people to count and discover any new addition. Some don't notice or don't let on that they do. She started this when an aunt replied to her birth announcement by asking just what she and her husband were trying to prove. (My friend said to herself that though they weren't trying to, they had probably proved only that they weren't celibate and didn't use contraceptives.) This aunt declared that she was glad she wasn't going to be the one chasing a toddler around at the age of 40, like my friend. I have seen this same sentiment commercially available in a birthday card for a woman turning 40. It reads, "I'd rather be 40 than pregnant." Pictured on the outside is an elegant looking, mature woman. On the inside is a harried younger woman with a baby on her hip and diapers in hand.

It is interesting to see the pervasiveness of the negative attitude toward families with more than two children. Even in an age when sensitivity and diversity are said to be prized, and no one would dream of asking a childless couple why they have no children, one of the last acceptable prejudices is against people who refuse to use contraception. Over the years I have wondered what drives normally polite people to cross the line into .impropriety. Clearly the zero population growth

(ZPG) propagandists have done a great PR job, and some people who are outspoken to pregnant ladies sincerely believe that the earth's resources are threatened by large families, that having a large family is selfish. But would any of them consider giving a lecture on more responsible use of resources or on selfishness to a stranger, an acquaintance, or even a friend who was buying a vacation home or shopping for a third car?

If it's responsible use of resources that they want to see, perhaps they should consider that most large families use resources very efficiently. We live in and heat and cool the same-sized houses as our neighbors, but we shelter two or three times as many people. We get more people-miles per gallon because our cars are almost always full. We are super-efficient users and recyclers of food, toys, and clothes - better known as leftovers and hand-me-downs. The ZPG folks probably don't even realize that this country and many others have already surpassed ZPG and are at negative population growth, despite the best efforts of large families to produce more of the most valuable natural resource of all - people. People are, as Julian Simon says in his book of the same name, "the ultimate resource."

Still, ZPG notions persist, defining people as consumers and warning that too many children will mean too few things to consume. Children are seen not as blessings but as burdens that some people choose to take on as a weird and perverse kind of hobby. This attitude creates a gauntlet that pregnant women must run every day. Pregnancy is a time of vulnerability for expectant parents. They are worried and doubtful. They wonder how they will make it when they have a new baby and several other young children to care for. On top of this they are being constantly confronted. "Why did you let this happen to you?"

As with most adversity, when it is past it may prove to have strengthened their character. But while it's happening, it reduces many a pregnant woman to tears. It makes her wish she didn't have to show herself at a PTA meeting, a soccer game, the grocery store, or a family reunion. Said one beleaguered woman, "If I could just hide 'it' in a paper bag for nine months, then it wouldn't be so bad." I don't think people mean to be cruel. I don't think they intend to cause pain to their relatives, their friends, or complete strangers. But somehow they just can't resist making their "joke" or sharing their strong contraceptive feelings. To them I say, "Resist!" If you don't have anything nice to say, just say congratulations.

I must not forget that we pregnant ladies inspire other things besides censure. My friends and I recall the solicitude of strangers during our pregnancies. People have inquired after our health, offered us seats on a bus or a place ahead of them in line at the grocery store, and helped us to get our little children into the car. These memories outlast the sting of the unintended and intended gibes. Once a person in church saw me in all my pregnant glory struggling with my other children and told me that I had such a beautiful family. A simple remark like that can give an expectant mother the lift she needs to get through the day.

My favorite unsolicited encounter with a stranger occurred at a company party. A man came up to me and told me that he thought pregnant women are the most beautiful women in the world, and then he asked me to dance the Texas Two-Step, which I did.

The most poignant remark a pregnancy of mine has inspired came from one of my husband's older colleagues. Seeing me, he said sadly that his only regret was the he and his wife didn't have more children - and now it was too late.

What will you say to the next pregnant lady you meet?

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