About Wumps
Wumps are an ancient breed. The species originated back in the 16th century BC when the Kaiser of Magdalewumpus, after losing his best trousers in the wash, went insane and viciously cursed and defiled the sacred alter to the gods. He was immediately turned into a wump and banished to the Caves of Despair in the Wumpalisian mountains.
So terrible was this incident, and so fierce was his wumpiness, that the wump legend begat many stories of ill favor. Wumps were really a gentle lot, restricting themselves to the caves and writing novels. At one time there were many wumps living in a wonderful community among the caverns of the mountains. But, as they were like to do in those days, men were afraid and swore to wipe out the wumpy race.
The onslaught of the wump began one sad day in 1511 AD. Marcus the Skinny led an assault into the wumpy caverns, killing and brutalizing nearly the whole breed. The legend of this incident reaches even into today's video games! One wump escaped, and went into hiding amongst normal humans. Today, wumps are nearly indistinguishable from humans!
Wumps can only keep the facade of human features for a few years at a time. At certain intervals, the wump must go into a surreal state for a few hours. In this state, a wump changes form. Wumps have been observed as having four arms, many eyes, and sometimes even being just formless.
Only two photographs have ever been taken of a wump in surreal state, and the outcome was a bit, er, odd. Click here to see the results of one.
A secret society was formed to keep track of the wumps. Founded in 1611, the Wump Watchers dedicated themselves to tracking the movements and activities of the wumpy population. Entering the modern world, the watchers disguised their efforts by forming Wump Research & Company to confound this elusive race.
There is only one known wump left in the world. She lives with me, and is indeed my wife. She denies her wumpicity, of course, but that's one of the things that wumpies do. In fact, she fits all of the classic signs of a wump. Her two children are wumplets, displaying much of the natural behavioral characteristics of a wump. There may be more wumps in the world. Here are signs to watch for:
- Aggressive or unusually bad temper, especially when in conversation. Some people, such as Mac users, display this tendency when discussing Apple's upcoming demise. To see this behavior, click here.
- Wumps vehemently deny that they are wumps. This stems from the fear that the descendants of Marcus the Skinny may track them down.
- Wumpies write novels.
- When writing, wumps often try to give clues to their heritage. For example, in this writing, a wump has changed her name AND tried to give a clue as to her real identity. It's in the first paragraph, see if you can spot it.
- Wumps like to speak in different languages, especially German, Dutch, or their original Welsh. for example, check here for another sample of a wump in hiding.
- Wumps vehemently deny that they are wumps. This stems from the fear that the descendants of Marcus the Skinny may track them down.
Apart from the Wump Watchers, another society has formed. This group tries to bring wumps out of hiding, offering a safe, happy life of refuge. Using the washing machine as a symbol, they hope to play upon the original heritage of the wump, offering a new way to wash so that trousers may never be lost again. So far, no wump has come forward to this group. You may see their web page here.
For more information, check out the definitive book on Wumps. Other wump influences that may surprise you: (just search for the word "wump")
- Calvin and Hobbes
- More Dr. Seuss
- University servers
- AMUG News
- Valerie Yule, a wump in hiding perhaps?
- Dilbert!
- The Ringo News
- Another wump in hiding
- Unix commands
- LZ Sally
- A clever hidden message in support of Marcus the Skinny
- Andrew Dittmer
- Wumps in the Viet Nam war
- More Dr. Seuss
Comments? Send them to penfold@inav.net
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